Derpfish: A Love Story
by Beanstalks
Summary: A one-shot Victorian-era venture, in which Cilan's Stunfisk finds a friend in Cabernet's Sawsbuck. SeasonalDerpShipping.
1. Chapter 1

Stunfisk drank her chilled tea, a bitter beverage that left a bad taste in her mouth. Still, she found the brew addicting.

"Hello!"

She turned to see Lord Palpitoad hobble down the stairs and join her in the parlour.

"Hello," Stunfisk returned.

"Perhaps you are well aware of today's engagement?" Palpitoad inquired.

"Yes, the competition."

"A young Connoiseur," Palpitoad mused. "Mr. Cilan must have quite a bit of faith in you if he wished for your participance, especially when you were recently acquired."

"I have full confidence in my abilities," Stunfisk said austerely. "Has Mr. Ketchum asked of your participation yet?"  
>"Not yet, but soon! I am also confident in my abilities, and I hope that I left an impression on the chap."<p>

Palpitoad hobbled toward Stunfisk and kissed her on her brow. Stunfisk tried to hide her displeaser. (From Palpitoad, or herself?)

"It's time for me to visit Prof. Juniper," Palpitoad said. "Farewell!"

Palpitoad made sure his suit and bowtie were acceptable, then walked out the door.

Later that afternoon, Stunfisk joined her tamer, Mr. Cilan for a competition against a young, purple-haired female. She could tell there was bad blood between them.

"Cilan, I have returned to exact my vengeance!" the girl said.

"Now, now," Cilan sneered. "A woman's place should be in the kitchen, not the field of battle."

This enraged the buor, much to Stunfisk's annoyance and confusion. The girl should be well-aware that it is frowned upon for a woman to be unwed and competing in battle.

"You will pay for your caper!" the girl screeched. "I call upon my vintage, Sawsbuck!"

She summoned her Pokemon, a strapping Sawsbuck.

"Stunfisk!" Cilan said calmly, straightening his bend as though all of this meant nothing to him.

Stunfisk slid to the field of battle. There, she faced the strapping buck. He was older tha her, though, the difference was only slightly bigger than the one between her and Palpitoad.

"These competitions are not safe for the fairer sex," Sawsbuck said to her. "I advise you to recall yourself."

"I will do no such thing, thank you," Stunfisk returned, holding in her chagrin.

"I'll make this quick; I don't want to be associated with a dollymop like you," Cilan said to the purple-haired girl.

"Shut up, you mandrake!"

"Judy!"  
>"Magsman!"<p>

Stunfisk and Sawsbuck engaged in combat. Sawsbuck refused to attack, thus leading Stunfisk to best him.

"Come now," Cilan said. "You should know that I can easily best you without cheating. I've done so twice before, and I will do it again."  
>"Our last battles were nothing but unfortunate luck," the woman whined. "And so was this one!"<p>

"No. I bested you, and you must accept that."

"SHUT IT, LEST I HAVE YOU NIBBED!"  
>"Shall I return by informing them of your profession as an ameteur tail?"<p>

While their tamers fought, Stunfisk flopped towards her opponent.

"Why didn't you fight back?" she asked.

"It is in bad taste to harm a woman," Sawsbuck said neutrally.

"I see...Next time, do me a favor."  
>"What is it?"<br>She shot mud right into his face. She said, "Next time, treat me as an equal in battle. A man, if you will. I will not let my sex compromise anyone's opinion of me."  
>"You remind me of her," Sawsbuck chuckled, motioning towards his tamer.<p>

The woman burst into tears and ran off.

"I must be going," Sawsbuck said. "It was a pleasure."

"I feel the same," Stunfisk said with a smile.

She admired his gait as he followed his tamer.


	2. Chapter 2

Perhaps it is time to step away from our heroine for the moment. Instead, let's follow the exploits of Mr. Sawsbuck and his tamer:

A young Ms. Cabernet (whose first name shall be withheld, due to her English name not being released at the time of writing) was a young dollymop, only recently selling her "wares" on the street.

Her first customer was a young Mr. Cilan (his first name, mind you - his English name has already been released.) He lured her and blagged her womanly flower. To add insult to injury, he left her crying, and never bothered to pay for his theft.

She decided to rebuild her life. Like many dollymops, she started carrying around a Pokemon for protection. But she vowed to have her revenge on Mr. Cilan - as such, she worked vigorously to strengthen her Pokemon in preparation for a duel with the dastardly dandy. She even captured a Deerling (Sawsbuck, in his youth.)

But on every encounter, Mr. Cilan utterly destroyed Ms. Cabernet. He would even go on to insult her further: "Back to the streets, waif!" or "Women do not belong on the field of battle!" and so on.

"That Cilan holds a Litwick to Giratina!" Cabernet told her Sawsbuck after her most recent encounter with Mr. Cilan. "I swear, he'll be the death of me if I can't best him."

Mr. Sawsbuck nuzzled the waif. He watched her remove her crabshells and let her lean against him for comfort.

"Oh, Sawsy," she said. "You are my daffy. And so is Dewott."

Ms. Cabernet rested on Sawsbuck's side. Sawsbuck gazed upon her peaceful countenance and licked her brow, as a way of a kiss.

And that made him think of the young lady, Stunfisk.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note:** Why does everyone talk weird? Why is the Victorian vocabulary so limited? The Pokemon world has a different Victorian era, of course. Yeah...let's go with that.

* * *

><p>"You did very well today," Mr. Cilan told his Stunfisk over tea and Pokemon food.<p>

They were at the Striaton City Gym, resting after their match with Ms. Cabernet yesterday.

"Why thank you, good sir," Lady Stunfisk said.

"You have done well towards humiliating my '_rival_.'" He started to laugh at the word 'rival.'

"Yes, I do hope the young girl is okay."  
>"I tell you what, I do love picking on that glocky bounder. I only wish there was a crowd to watch her fall from grace."<br>"You shouldn't be so cruel on the young lady. Maybe she wouldn't keep harassing you if you weren't a bully."  
>"I'm tempted to call the police and have them arrest her for her past life. But I do enjoy watching her suffer.<p>

"Come on, baby girl, eat your food. I made sure to get your favoite."

Two coppers burst in with a Swanna.

"Mr. Cilan, you are under arrest!" one miltonian said.

"On what charge?" Cilan asked, his hands in the air as though he did not care.

"You're suspected of kidnapping the young lady Iris Dragonwalker."  
>"What?" Cilan didn't expect <em>that<em>. "But I'm innocent! Ms. Iris is my friend!"

"I'd like to believe that," the other copper said sympathetically. "But right now, you have to come with us.

Mr. Cilan returned the lady Stunfisk to her Pokeball and followed the coppers to jail.

The tale went down like this: Iris Drangonwalker was on her way to Striaton City last week when she was accosted by a man with green hair. After a long, loud confrontation between them, the man assaulted her and carried her off in a Zekstrika-drawn carriage. Witnesses described the man as being taller than her, with green hair. It wasn't until one witness stepped forward and told the authorities that she seemed to know this man, and that he talked about bonds with Pokemon.

While Mr. Cilan was part of the upper class, there were rumors him and misdeeds. While nothing was ever proven, a common joke was that he assaulted Ms. Cabernet. Of course, no one would ever broach the subject for fear of falling for a joke and being subject to public ridicule. Mr. Cilan often joked about it himself, relishing in the rumors.

The rumors made the coppers suspicious of Cilan nonetheless. And now that they had reason to suspect him, they threw him in the slammer as fast as they could.

Cilan was thrown in the local jail for over a week, awaiting his trial. The whole event was now a huge scandal.

"You have a visitor," a copper told Cilan.

"My lawyer, correct?" Cilan asked, looking expectantly.

"No, a young lady."

"Young lady?"

Ms. Cabernet was staring down at Cilan, a big smirk on her face. Cilan hated being behind bars even more now.  
>"A miss Burgundy Cabernet," the officer said, leaving the room.<p>

"Well, well, well," Burgundy said proudly. "Looks like little Cilan has fallen from grace, eh?"

"Shut your mouth, tramp!" Cilan roared furiously.

"My, my, what a temper! The way I see it, you got exactly what you deserve. Karma's a bitch, ain't it?"

"But I'm innocent!"  
>"Really?"<br>"Please, you have to believe me!"  
>"Why should I?"<br>"You're the only girl I wish to torment, you know that."

"You tasteless cad!"  
>"Bourgeoise coppers refuse to believe me."<br>"...Still, you sinned and you're paying the price for your other infractions. The evidence is against you, anyway."

"Burgundy, I'm innocent. Please believe me."

Something in Mr. Cilan's eyes made her drop her facade and believe in his innocence of this crime.

"I guess I believe you. But you deserve to rot in jail."  
>"I agree. And if you help me prove my innocence, I will turn myself in for my, er, theft."<p>

Burgundy was taken back. "Why would you do this?"  
>"We need to help rescue Iris before..."<p>

"Before what? Oh..."  
>"...Before it's too late. Won't you help me save her, Ms. Cabernet?"<p>

"I probably shouldn't..."  
>"Cabernet...Burgundy, I <em>need<em> you. Help, please."

Burgundy looked at his pleading countenance. He probably had ulterior motives for his plea, the Snivy. And he would likely go back on his word and turn on her.

But he just looked to pathetic.

Burgundy pulled out a Pokeball and called forth her Dewott.

"They let you bring Pokemon here?" Cilan asked.

"They never thought a girl would carry more than one Pokemon for protection," she said with a wink. "You see, I captured a Patrat before my arrival, and told the police it was a Pokemon for protection. They confiscated it to prevent a break-in. But they never thought I'd have the fresh taste to sneak in other Pokemon!"  
>"Burgundy, you're a genius!"<p>

"Dewott, Razor Shell!"

Dewott pulled the scalchomps from it side and brought them down on the bars. They fell to the ground, making a lound _KLANG!_


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the love, guys!

I gotta say, this story is not at all what I indended it to be.

* * *

><p>"Wait, hold on!" Cilan exclaimed. "They have my Pokemon in the holding room."<p>

Burgundy sighed. "Fine, where is that?"

"Remember my cell? Near that, down the hallway, to the left."

"Uh...okay."

Burgundy bolted for the door, but Cilan grabbed her by the arm.

"Ms. Cabernet," he said sternly. "What are you doing? They'll destroy us if we don't have a plan!"

"Well, do you have anything in mind?"

The duo and Dewott got together and discussed. After a lengthy argument, they finally came up with a plan.

Two coppers noticed as Cilan ran out of the room and bolted down the hallway.  
>"The cad!" an officer said, lifting a Pokeball. "Liepard, you are called!"<p>

The copper and his Liepard took chase, while the other turned towards the room. The door was closed.

"Ms. Cabernet?" he called out, opening the door.

Right as he opened it, he was greeted with a High Jump Kick to the face.

"Bon!" Cabernet said to her Sawsbuck, thanking him with a hug.

The copper and his Liepard cornered Cilan, who was now in front of the holding room. He inexplicably obtained a Dewott, which was now violently slashing at the door with its scalchops.

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" the copper said. "You must be glocky if you thought you could escape! Liepard, Hyper Beam!"

Liepard shot out a brilliant beam of light from its mouth. And Cilan and Dewott ducked and covered their ears ears. The Hyper Beam left a visible hole in the holding room door.

"Zut! Quelle surprise!"

The copper turned to see Ms. Cabernet and Sawsbuck. Sawsbuck used Horn Leech, pinning the chap and his feline.

"Bested by a woman!" Cilan exclaimed as he handed Dewott's Pokeball to Burgundy. "Sorry, sir, but are you sure you're a man?"

Dewott released a Water Gun at Cilan's countenance, slamming him against a wall.


	5. Chapter 5

As the Striaton City police force was criminally understaffed, Cilan and Burgundy managed an escape by walking through the front door.

Burgundy called for a carriage, but Cilan said, "Are you daft? I'm a criminal! If we're seen, we'll both be aprehended on-sight!"

Ignoring they just went out the front door.

"Oh...I knew that!" Burgundy said anrgily. "I was just testing you!"

The duo hid away in the Dreamyard and started to plan their path. Their Pokemon conversed with one-another:

"Nice to see you again, Lord Sawsbuck," Lady Stunfisk said.

"As I am to you, m'lady," Sawsbuck responses, giving her a kiss on the fin.

Just for a giggle, she electrocuted him.

"We need to go into hiding," Burgundy said to Cilan.

"Alright, here's the plan," he said. "You will be my glocky street-urchin-"

"I am no half-wit!"

"...And I will be your caretaker."

Ms. Cabernet lunged at Mr. Cilan, hoping her fist would put him in his place. Unfortunately for her, Cilan nonchalantly moved to the right; Burgundy missed and skidded into the countenance of Pansage. Pansage, furious about this transgression, shot a Bullet Seed right at her maw.

"What a bitter Pokemon!" she cried.

"You haybag!" Cilan gasped. "Apologize to him!"  
>"Be quiet, you LEG!"<br>"I take no suggestions from a ladybird."

"They're at it again," Lady Stunfisk whispered to the gang.

"Why don't they just kiss and get it over with?" Lord Sawsbuck said.

"Doesn't that sound familiar?" Stunfisk laughed.

She then electrocuted Dwebble, a smile now on her countenance.

"My ecrevisse," she said to Dwebble.


End file.
